The Fear of Tension
I posted on social media yesterday about the tension I’m currently living in right now. This is what it said:
I’m so confused by what God’s doing in my life right now. It’s honestly a bit jarring and overwhelming. At one moment he’s pointing me north on the scenic route. Then the next it feels like we’re pulling a Uey heading southbound. And then I’m trying to keep my head on a swivel with everything swirling around me. So much of me just wants to cling to the security of the shore. This whole walking on water thing doesn’t actually come natural to me. I keep hitting my knees on the rocky ground time and time again. Sometimes I bring others down with me too as I cling to them for connection and safety. Gosh is that painful. I ended two conversations this week thinking “what in the world just happened?” While simultaneously holding curiosity around the wisdom of whatever the heck God is doing. Confusion is not my favorite pit stop but I guess it’s necessary sometimes. I’m just hoping that while I keep one foot on the shore and one in the water, I don’t lose myself in the tension. I really feel like I’m losing myself in this tension… …No pretty bow to tie this all together. Just me, confused as heck, sitting on a rock wall, reading about the vocation of women. ✌🏼
After posting, part of me wanted to remove the line “I really feel like I’m losing myself in this tension." Why? Yes, because it’s vulnerable but also because when people read it they start to worry.
I didn’t go back and remove it for a few reasons.
In that moment, as I wrote that post, that’s the reality of how I felt. This is a time of shedding layers to become even more me. Which also means it’s a time of literally wanting to crawl out of my skin because it can feel so uncomfortable. It’s a time of wanting to bypass this discomfort, even around really good things, in any way possible so as not to lose who I am right now.
All of those feelings and experiences are real and also really, really costly.
But.
That’s also why I left it. Because if you’re going to follow my journey you need to understand that this is a costly process. This is an uncomfortable process. This is not a piece of the process to bypass. You, dear reader, need to come face to face with that tension too.
I’m not here to make everyone feel pumped up and excited and joyful all the time when it comes to following the will of God and dreaming big with Him. That would be a huge disservice to you and me because it wouldn’t be real. It would be some prideful, self-manufactured process that doesn’t actually end with following God’s will at all but only my own or your own.
Following His will can be downright con-fus-ing! But when done the right way this journey is going to strip you of everything. And yes, that is in fact still good and holy and desirable. And you need to learn to be ok with not being comfortable - or having others not be comfortable - for a time.
This morning, my roommates and I started something called “Eggcellent Encyclicals” 😏 where we plan to spend some mornings eating breakfast together and reading through Pope Leo XIV’s encyclical Magnifica Humanitas concerning technology and AI. We didn’t even get through the Introduction because the conversation was so fruitful!
In paragraph eight, Pope Leo is talking about Nehemiah rebuilding the temple of Jerusalem. This one line struck me deeply: “He then asked the king for permission to return to Jerusalem and, upon arriving, examined the destroyed areas in silence.” The reverence here is palpable.
I guess what I’m getting at is that parts of me need to be destroyed. I’ve built a temple in many ways that does not honor God but rather honors myself. I’m weak, self-indulgent, controlling, and needy. And you know what, confronting that and letting God peel those protective layers off of me is necessary.
So, I’m sorry if that’s uncomfortable for you… well actually I’m not. Why is that uncomfortable for you? Why does that bring tension to your own heart? Why is my pain and wrestling something you want to turn from or even take away??
The truth is, I am losing myself in this tension. But that’s not actually the harmful part of the process. No, it’s the fear of losing myself in the tension that is the problem.
“For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” Matthew 16:25
We are made to be self gift. That’s not some static, flowery lingo created to slap a religious label on what it means to live a good life. It’s a living, breathing calling that ironically calls for dying.
When we die to ourselves we are saying yes to growth, to becoming stronger, to building healthier habits, to developing deeper insights, to being more present, and to opening ourselves up to the Holy Spirit fully.
Essentially, we are doing the opposite of what happened in the Garden of Eden where we hid from God. Rather, we are showing ourselves, vulnerabilities and all, so that we may be transformed in our sins to become the truest versions of ourselves.
So just like in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve hid out of fear, I am being tempted to hide myself from the tension out of fear of losing myself. Thankfully, there is another option. To face my fears, no matter how dang uncomfortable and confusing they may be, and live in the tension out in the openness of the Garden in the presence of the Lord and others.
God is bringing me into these places of tension for a reason. Just like I’m inviting you into them for a very specific reason as well.
Don’t hide yourself out of fear.
Don’t back away from the wrestling.
Don’t wish away the discomfort.
Sit in it.
Slow down.
Be still.
Examine the ruins in reverent silence.
Do that for as long as it takes.
And start rebuilding only when the Lord has given His blessing.
No pretty bow or man made foundation is going to give you the solace and peace you’re looking for. It certainly won’t help you attain your deepest desires.
Instead, come sit with me on a rock wall, watching the waves crash on the shore, pondering with raw curiosity and reverence what’s coming up from beneath the surface, and let the Lord draw forth or wash away what He will for His glory. ✌🏼
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